Disguise

You called yourself ‘love’

As you entered my life.

Like a rock,

But you broke my bones

Crushed my soul.

Like a fresh breeze,

But you whipped past in a jiffy

Caused chaos in my order.

Like a guiding light,

But you led me the wrong way

Ran out and left me in darkness.

Like a helping hand,

But you helped me break myself

Helped me become helpless.

The truth is,

You were like nothing

I thought you were.

And now,

I’m nothing of what

I used to be.


(I’m going to try and start recommending songs to listen to while reading these poems. Click on the song to listen to it on YouTube!

Song for ‘Disguise': Brave – Jhene Aiko)

Conversations

“Hi there.”
“Hello.”
The first words
We spoke to one another.
The incipient uttering,
The fragile first step
Of something so beautiful
It couldn’t have survived.
Something too pure
For the real world.
Something so special
It was out of my reach.

“You make me happy.”
“But you ARE my happiness.”
The human heart
Always yearns for something
It can’t have.
I yearned for you.
You slowly gave in to me
I gave in to you.
We jumped, head first, hands held
Into the blazing pit.
It felt so good
To just let someone
Steal your soul.
We smiled
But feared the inevitable.
At that moment
We were infinite.

“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Too late now
To turn around
To go back
I wish I’d never met you at all
But you had my heart
Every last bit of what was left
And I let you keep yours.
Tainting your perfection
Never crossed my head.

“What about the last 4 years?”
“That was nothing, I was just messing around.”
Lies, lies, more lies.
You are a shameless criminal
All your words? Made up.
All your gestures? Fake.
All your smiles? Forced.
Is she lucky?
Or is she just another me
To you?
(I’d hope not.)

“I still love you.”
“I’m late, have to meet her soon.”
I couldn’t breathe without you, love.
You are the oxygen in my lungs.
You are the blood that flows through my veins.
Your poison was slowly etching
It’s way through my skin.
I couldn’t let go
Didn’t know where to begin.
How could you not need me?
Because I do.
How can you live without me?
Because I can’t.

“Hi there.”
“Hello.”
The one I’d once call my strength
Was now a stranger.
Passing petty pleasantries
While we walk past
As if we have a purpose without the other.
I can’t bear to see your face
The only thing that
Would light up mine.
I can’t look into your blue eyes
The only pair that
Would make mine shine.
I had promised to love you forever
And I will, even if I don’t wish to.
You broke me
But I can’t break you.
You never loved me
But I still love you.

After You Left

After you left

Where could I go?

All of my favorite places

were laced with your slivers

every wall seeped

with the memories of us

every road I traveled

echoed with your footsteps

every park bench, every swing

screamed of what once was.

So I stayed home.

I stayed away from you.

After you left

what could I eat?

My coffee seems bland

now that you don’t bring it to me

every bite is hard to swallow

it’s stuck in my throat

I can’t breathe

I can’t eat my favorite chocolate cake

I’m not used to eating it alone

every morsel makes me sick

every gulp floods me.

So I gave up on eating.

So I gave up on you.

After you left

What could I do?

Every book I own is stained

with your touch

every song rings

with your tuneless blurbs

a word has no meaning

if it’s not about you

I can’t dance with anyone else

your unrhythmic moves are the only beat

I want to be a part of.

So I left all of it.

So I left you.

Thankyou & Goodbye

I haven’t properly spoken to you for over a year now but there are a lot of things that I want to tell you. The past 4 years have been absolutely wonderful, or so I thought.

I don’t know who’s at fault here, but it seems to me like I’m the only one who’s bearing the consequences. I should have seen it earlier. I should have known that you had better places to be, that you had better people to be with. I chose to ignore all the signs and tried (in vain) to protect and cherish whatever it was that we had.

So, for the last time, I need to get this out so that I can start the New Year afresh.

Thank You.

Thank you for treating me like a toy, thinking of us as a game.

Thank you for breaking my trust multiple times, apologizing for it, and then doing it again.

Thank you for using me to get your work done for over 3 years, putting my own career in jeopardy.

Thank you for giving me such little importance in your life that it led me to believe that I had the same little importance in everyone else’s life, too.

Thank you for teaching me that not everyone out there is going to hurt me and then breaking my heart so badly that I felt like a living corpse afterwards.

But also,

Thank you for giving me this unforgettable lesson that not every ‘love’ is lovely.

Thank you for being that one friend everyone needs, the one that comes and goes in the blink of an eye, but moves you like no one has and ever will.

Thank you for stabbing me in the back so many times that it gave me valuable insight of how the real world is.

Thank you for giving me this unbelievable amount of strength and endurance that will help me get through anything and everything in life with half as many scars.

Thank you for giving me all this wisdom and thus, making me more mature than most people my age, something that will be vital to my success in later years.

Thank you for giving me 10 years worth of ‘teen drama’ in just about 6 months so when 2 years from now, most of my friends will realize that teenage love is nothing but a fable, I’ll smile knowingly and console them all.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

& Goodbye.